The highlight of my childhood – it’s the Ladybird Book of Motorcars from 1963, and as you would imagine it’s full of rubbish really. Just endless boring grey shapes, until you get to page 40, where you find the Maserati 3500 GT. Now this for me, when I was little, was kind of like Jordan and Cameron Diaz. In a bath together. With a Lightning jet fighter. And lots of jelly.

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Why did the pharaoh go to Dairy Queen? He was thirsty

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LOTUS - Lots Of Trouble, Usually Serious.

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What did the Morris Marina compete against? Walking? The bus?

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'Jean Alesi - who I used to hero worship - is now playing with my genitals.'

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Man interviewing clarkson and hammond: What's your carbon footprint like? Clarkson: We dont have a carbon footprint we drive everywhere.

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In the olden days I always got the impression that TVR built a car, put it on sale, and then found out how it handled – usually when one of their customers wrote to the factory complaining about how dead he was.

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"Now, Rich, would you like some pu-sy? (...) Pu-sy, energy drink"

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On the TVR Tuscan 2 “It’s supposed to be easier to live with, and easier to drive... so has it worked? Ohh... Oh, my God. No... no... no, no, no. No. No. No, it hasn’t.”

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See the problem was that the Lotus Sunbeam exploded every time it was Tuesday...

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the fastest car IN THE WORLD!!

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There are signs directing you away from Birmingham but nothing enticing you in.

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On the Mercedes CLS55 AMG “It sounds like Barry White eating wasps.”

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When you buy a Honda, well, your stuck with a Honda.

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what`s the difference of a blonde and a ufo people have ufos

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On the Ford GT40 “Was this the greatest hypercar of them all? Well, that’s a question I’ve never really been able to answer, because the GT40 is 40 inches tall... and I'm not.”

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(stroking the velvet in a Jaguar XJ) That's like lifting up the Queen's skirt to find out she's wearing a thong!

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On the Lotus Elise: "This car is more fun than the entire French air force crashing into a firework factory."

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On the Lotus Exige “To get an idea of just how spartan this thing is, you just have to look through the rear window. Back there you’ve got chicken wire, bacofoil and tupperware. It’s kind of like peering into one of your grannies’ old kitchen cabinets.”

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I don't like being overtaken. It's a sign of weakness.

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The Amphibian Car Challenge "Which would come first, summer or James May?"

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And after a riged phone vote , The Stig has a new name. He called Cuddles

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[Alfa Romeo Brera] I only have to imagine this in black, with tan leather, and I'm nursing a semi.

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WHAT A MACHINE!!!!

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Clarksonisms

Affectionately referred to as Clarksonisms, Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson's quips are the stuff of legends among car enthusiasts...

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