It's like being tangled in a douvet on a hot night, I hate it!" Describibg one of the awful American pieces of tat on the good bad and the ugly dvd. Brilliant

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How many years are there in donkey years?

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When discussing the suspension adjustability on the Bentley Continental GT. "It really is about as useful as having a snooze button on a smoke alarm".

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When describing the Mazda Demio-"Yes I know it'll take you to the shops, but then so will a pogo stick!

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The engine sounds like a Spitfire fighter plane

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As useful as a snooze alarm on a smoke detector

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Motor from a food blender?

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Motorized pepper grinder?

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Flying fish wasabi?

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You aren't allowed to have a party, you aren't allowed to have music, you aren't allowed to play ball games, you aren't allowed to have a camp fire, you have to park within two feet of a post, you have to keep quiet, you have to be in bed by eleven. This is not a holiday, it's a concentration camp!

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The air conditioning in Lambos used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw.

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There are many things I'd rather be doing than driving it, including waiting for Bernard Manning to come off stage in a sweaty nightclub, and then licking his back clean.

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You cannot have this car with a diesel. It's like saying, I won't go to Stringfellows tonight, I'll get my mum to give me a lap dance, she's a woman!

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Much more of a hoot to drive than you might imagine. Think of it if you like, as a librarian with a G-string under her tweed pants. I do, and it helps.

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There are footballers wives that would be happy with this quality of stitching... on their face.

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I don't often agree with the RSPCA as I believe it is an animal's duty to be on my plate at supper time.

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Sure it's quiet, for a diesel. But that's like being well-behaved... for a murderer.

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This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that's much to shout about. That's like saying ‘Ooh good I've got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases.'

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The air conditioning in a Lambo used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw.

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On the Vauxhall Vectra VXR: "there is a word to describe this car. It begins with 's' and ends with ‘t' and it isn't soot."

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Illustrating the lack of power of a Boxster: "It couldn't pull a greased stick out of a pig's bottom.

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this is the best clarksonism....in the woooorld

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tonight... we test drive... a fiat punto. a VW golf and adam burdass

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So you’re not buying a Bristol for the number of gizmos or the way those that you do get are attached to the car. I carefully examined the front air splitter, for instance, and deduced that it must have been put there by a horse. No, really. As Sherlock Holmes himself advised: “When you have eliminated the impossible” — and it is impossible to imagine a human making such a hash of it — “then what remains, no matter how implausible, must be the truth.” So it was a horse.

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Clarksonisms

Affectionately referred to as Clarksonisms, Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson's quips are the stuff of legends among car enthusiasts...

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