- Clarksonisms

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Sure it's quiet, for a diesel. But that's like being well-behaved... for a murderer.

That's not an emergency, it's just time to... empty your bowels.

On the Lancia Stratos: I'm going to change gear now; this is going to involve man-touching.

Hold on to your spleens everyone!

(Upon seeing a gentleman with shoulder-length hair in the audience): "Jesus is here!"

On the McLaren P1: "This car is about as well equipped as a pair of Monk's underpants."

Clarkson's highway code on cyclists: "Trespassers in the motorcars domain, they do not pay road tax and therefore have no right to be on the road, some of them even believe they are going fast enough to not be an obstruction. Run them down to prove them wrong."

What's the point of having the fastest car in the world, if its brakes always keep breaking down?

Every year, the world's Golf GTI enthusiasts congregate in a field in Austria, and they talk about fuel injection and wear jumpers with "GTI" on them. Frankly I'd rather blow-torch my nipples off.

On the Alfa Romeo Brera “Think of it as Angelina Jolie. You’ve heard she’s mad and eats nothing but wallpaper paste. But you would, wouldn’t you?”

There are signs directing you away from Birmingham but nothing enticing you in.

The Stig: Some say he was born in space, and that he is illegal in 17 U.S. states.

The Amphibian Car Challenge "Which would come first, summer or James May?"

I'm not Just the Iron In Yard, I'm a Member

"And even supposing British cars were terrible, we wouldn't go about saying so. You don't see Jack Bauer saying 'Don't come to America, it's filled with terrorists'!"

Today, Porsche brings ANOTHER 911 to an already confused world...

Clarkson watching someone drive a lada and being offered to ride one. "Its are raping him! And then its going to rape me!... OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!

What did the orphan kids get for Christmas? Cancer.

Just because something is unreliable doesn't mean it isn't great. Take, for example, Stephen Hawking. Great man, but most of him doesn't work.

Some Poos Come Out

Jeremy on the Pagani Zonda F Roadster: "This car can be vicious, but in an amusing way, like a shark in a funny hat."

Hammond: "The premiums for 17 year old girls are around half what they are for 17 year old boys" Clarkson: "Well there's a Top Gear top tip right there! If you're a 17 year old and you need car insurance, slice your penis off."

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