Man interviewing clarkson and hammond: What's your carbon footprint like? Clarkson: We dont have a carbon footprint we drive everywhere.

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(stroking the velvet in a Jaguar XJ) That's like lifting up the Queen's skirt to find out she's wearing a thong!

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On the Alfa Romeo Brera “Think of it as Angelina Jolie. You’ve heard she’s mad and eats nothing but wallpaper paste. But you would, wouldn’t you?”

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I would buy that car if I was the sort of person who looked at their sister and thought, mmmmmm.

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Can you ever love a machine? Of course you can. John Connor did. And I love the LFA.

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By the end of the night, I was hoping to be in a rather different kind of hedge, but there you go

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I love the feel of some hairy, salty balls on my chin. Mmmmm!

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I'm sorry, but having a DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch.

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On the Porsche Boxster “It couldn't pull a greased stick out of a pig’s bottom.

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You cannot have this car with a diesel. It's like saying, I won't go to Stringfellows tonight, I'll get my mum to give me a lap dance, she's a woman!

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On the Ferrari Enzo: MOMMY!!!

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And, it's made in Britain! Which is another way of saying the door is going to fall off.

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"Now, Rich, would you like some pussy? (...) PUSSY, energy drink"

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Converting a racing car into a street car is like watching porn with all the good bits cut out... all you end up watching is a close up of some sweaty bloke bobbing his head for half an hour.

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(Clarksons article regarding his daughters first car) " I wanted something with 2000 airbags, I wanted a bouncy castle with wipers"

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Q:what's the difference between a blonde and a u.f.o A:people seen u.f.o s

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"Lancia did have some issues; for example, the Gamma exploded every time you turned the steering wheel"

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This car was so exciting, I actually needed windscreen wipers on the inside

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most of you will think that showing up in cars like these in romania is like going to somalia with a suit made out of food...

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Volkswagen Jetta "I’d love to meet the man who styled the exterior, to find out if he’d done it as some sort of a joke. But mostly I’d like to meet the man who simply didn’t bother at all with the interior. Because looking at that dashboard gives you some idea of what it might be like to be dead."

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James: I'm curious, Jeremy, what is it that you don't get about bikes? Jeremy: I just don't want to have to dress up like a Power Ranger to go down to the pub and drink orange juice all afternoon.

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The Stig: Some say he was born in space, and that he is illegal in 17 U.S. states.

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It's like putting a furious weasel in your underpants!

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[On the Jaguar S-Type Concept Car]: If that car comes out like that then I will cut my left leg off and beat myself to death with it

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Clarksonisms

Affectionately referred to as Clarksonisms, Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson's quips are the stuff of legends among car enthusiasts...

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