On the TVR Tuscan 2 “You see, my wife loves this car. She loves the noise and the vibrations and the sense of danger and the way that when you over-rev it, the whole dash lights up like a baboon’s backside. Richard Hammond on the other hand, he pretty much hates it. He says it’s too difficult and too complicated and that all the stitching in here looks like the kind of stitching you find when someone’s tried to mend their own shoes.

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Britain's nuclear submarines have been deemed unsafe... probably because they don't have wheel-chair access.

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I’d rather go to work on my hands and knees than drive there in a Ford Galaxy. Whoever designed the Ford Galaxy upholstery had a cauliflower fixation. I would rather have a vasectomy than buy a Ford Galaxy.

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"Now, Rich, would you like some pu-sy? (...) Pu-sy, energy drink"

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On the Vauxhall Vectra VXR: "there is a word to describe this car. It begins with 's' and ends with ‘t' and it isn't soot."

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This is the same colour as a prosthetic limb!!

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Today, Porsche brings ANOTHER 911 to an already confused world...

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It sounds like a bear. A burning bear!

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The Ferrari 355 is like a quail’s egg dipped in celery salt and served in Julia Roberts’ belly button.

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I would buy that car if I was the sort of person who looked at their sister and thought, mmmmmm.

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Just because something is unreliable doesn't mean it isn't great. Take, for example, Stephen Hawking. Great man, but most of him doesn't work.

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Regarding driving a Reliant Robin: "What we're about to do is about as dangerous as...inviting your mum over for an evening on ChatRoulette."

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'Jean Alesi - who I used to hero worship - is now playing with my genitals.'

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On the Renault Clio V6 “I think the problem is that it’s French. It’s a surrendermonkey.”

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This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that's much to shout about. That's like saying ‘Ooh good I've got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases.'

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It's like sitting on Dawn French!

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See the problem was that the Lotus Sunbeam exploded every time it was Tuesday...

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Claire chris paul steve & dave

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On the Koenigsegg CCX “I think Koenigsegg is Swedish for: Oh no, my head has just exploded!”

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I’m sorry, but having an Aston Martin DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch. If you’ve got even half a scrotum it’s not going to happen.

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Sure it's quiet, for a diesel. But that's like being well-behaved... for a murderer.

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on the corvette: So if you want a car with vietnamese suspension that is made out of plastic, this is the car for you!

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On the BMW x5 h&m The result is like putting a furious weasel in your underpants

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Bitches aint shit but hoes and tricks

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Clarksonisms

Affectionately referred to as Clarksonisms, Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson's quips are the stuff of legends among car enthusiasts...

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