This [Maserati Quattroporte GTS] is like having a 3-year old child. It's really annoying most of the time, but if someone tried to take it away from you, you'd kill them for it.

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In resent weeks a craving for nicotine has made me angry with everything, even trees.

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If you were to buy a [BMW] 6-series, I recommend you select reverse when leaving friends’ houses so they don’t see its backside.

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We'll try it my way first, and then we'll finish it.

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Now that we have power steering, all you have to do [to race] is lie down, turn the wheel, and if you want to win all you have to do is go a little bit faster than all the others.

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This is the new Maserati 4x4. It's called the Kubang, which being a Maserati, probably also the sound it'll make when the warranty expires.

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Richard, you're the type of person I could show a picture of Paris Hilton, and you would say "But what if she turned out to be intelligent?"

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Some say that he sucks the moisture from ducks, and his crash helmet is modeled off of Britney Spears' head... All we know is he's called the Stig!

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People think my picture of me on horsehead network is me going really fast, good thing they don't know I am actually blowing a huge invisible black guy.

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If you've got a better route map from the AA website, why don't you write to us at 'I asked the AA for a route to King's Lynn and now I'm on the International Space Station', Top Gear, London

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This is the greatest car ... In the world

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Now, what you get under the bonnet of this car is not an engine, but a little field mouse named Gerald, and considering its price, your better off literally eating seventeen and a half thousand pounds. Of gravel. -Jezza on the ford focus se

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(Upon seeing a gentleman with shoulder-length hair in the audience): "Jesus is here!"

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I agree the price is a bit steep, it's perilously close to the Ferrari 599, but honestly, you cannot buy a DB9 anymore; you just can't do it.  Because one day, you will be sitting at a set of lights, someone will pull up alongside in one of these and you will feel hopeless and inadequate, and you will have to kill yourself.

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most of you will think that showing up in cars like these in romania is like going to somalia with a suit made out of food...

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Okay, engines for the Alfa Romeo Brera: 2.2 liters, 3.2 v6, and you can have a diesel if you're the type of person who thinks the Mona Lisa should have a moustache.

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"Now, Rich, would you like some pu-sy? (...) Pu-sy, energy drink"

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I'll tell you what. We'll try it my way first... and then we'll finish.

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The only way to stop faster..is to hit a tree.

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[On the Aston Martin DBS]: "I especially like the gear lever, which is like a Power Ranger's leg"

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In German accent about Mercedes SATNAV "You must turn around und do it again, make und U-Turn!!!"

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Can you ever love a machine? Of course you can. John Connor did. And I love the LFA.

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Listen to this chap. He wants to "bitch slap his hoe" why not. Good luck to ya fella

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A man walked into a bar May he rest in peace

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Clarksonisms

Affectionately referred to as Clarksonisms, Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson's quips are the stuff of legends among car enthusiasts...

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